Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
