o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
