so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
