okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
