Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
