I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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