I look better un-naked...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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