For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize