mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
