Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize