I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
