i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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