Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
