i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
