Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
