and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
