My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
