I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
