Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
