So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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