I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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