he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You left your phone here
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