Already got asked if we're dating
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize