jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
