Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
