I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
