Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
