I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
