i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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