the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
it's like iHOP with fire
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize