I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
