he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
