My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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