toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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