I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
