life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
