i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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