lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
