I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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