You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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