I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
