Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
