i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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