Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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