We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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