You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
