...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
