its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
