He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
