would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
