Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
