the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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