RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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