Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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