I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize