When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
