The maid of honor just puked.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
