So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
