it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
