ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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