Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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