I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
