It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
This toilet bowl is my home.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
